Conversations about death, dying, life and love. For a life better lived.
Our founder Amanda Blainey’s book ‘Do Death For a Life Better Lived’ features amongst 12 must-read books about death and end-of-life care. Sitting alongside giants such as Kathryn Mannix’s ‘With the End in Mind’ and Atul Gawande’s ‘Being Mortal’. You can see the full list here
For Dying Matters week Doing Death founder Amanda Blainey will be answering the question; what is an end-of-life doula? You can book your free spot here
“The more fully you live your life the less tragic is your death”
Irvin D.Yalom.
A part of getting older might be forgetting small things, big things, anything basically, and knowing that the loss of memory is a loss of the past and a death in itself. This is something that author Irvin D. Yalom muses over in his latest book with his co-author and wife Marilyn Yalom. Getting older brings a whole new perspective to reality, illness, time, love, and death. Both husband and wife write consecutive chapters, intimately exploring their feelings about Marilyn's life-limiting cancer diagnoses, her treatment, getting older, and what that personally looks like for them. How do you face the prospect of the death of your life partner who you still love very much and face your own mortality? The theme occurring throughout the book is the dance between Irvin and Marilyn’s' feelings about her impending death. Irvin is grieving the loss of Marilyn before she has died and what it means to be the one left behind. Knowing she does not have long to live, she plans what to do with her belongings, her many books, how to say goodbye to family and friends. In doing so she takes stock of what's important to her at the end of her life, what gives her joy, and what can she achieve in between treatment and living.
Marilyn comes across as someone who has always known her own mind, how she wanted to live and now how she wants to die. Marilyn loves Irvin deeply but at 87 years old she is happy with the life she has led and there is a real sense that she is letting go of it, feeling enriched by what she has achieved, the legacy of love that she leaves behind with her husband, her family, and her friends.
There can be cleanliness in dying at a later age if we are satisfied that we have lived a good, long life, with meaningful connections and relationships. After Marilyn's death, Irvin navigates the huge loss of his soulmate, and his wife for 65 years. It's a profound insight into the intensity of grief and how it presents itself over time. This book is a beautiful and courageous account of love, life, and loss, and how Marilyn lived and died; bravely, brightly, and calling the shots to the end. A good life and a good death.
“The Grief You Feel Equals the Love, you Felt"
Actor Greg Wise has appeared in British Television, theatre, and feature films. He portrayed the character, John Willoughby, in the Oscar-winning film 'Sense and Sensibility. Greg's sister Clare died in September 2016 from cancer, she started a blog post to update family and friends, which Greg took over writing when Clare became too ill. Two years after she died the blog was turned into their book titled 'Not That Kind of Love’. We met before lockdown to talk about Clare’s death, their relationship, navigating cancer, and post-traumatic growth. This is a useful conversation for anyone caring for someone dying and gives insight into grief and love through Greg's own personal and moving experience.
We talk about
Grief is essential to our healing process
Being in denial about death
The shame that comes with dying.
Being a carer
Doing death properly
The signs of death
Giving permission to die
Dying her way
Choosing when to die
Support
The chaos of death
Compassion fatigue
Post-traumatic growth
What is Love?
Being here now
What he has learned
The Clarity of grief
Podcast references
Books
Not That Kind of Love – Greg & Clare Wise
Being Mortal – Atul Gawande
With The End in Mind - Kathryn Mannix
Links
https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/
Photographer Tim Anderson. Design Ian Hands
"It's very shocking when you do lose the person with whom you were expecting to spend the rest of your life, it takes the future with them”. Rev Richard Coles
Reverend Richard Coles has led a colourful and vibrant life, forming the band 'The communards’ with singer Jimmy Somerville in the mid-'80s. He’s the only reverend in the UK and probably the world to have a number 1 hit. After some drug-fuelled years and witnessing the death of many of his friends from AIDS Richard had an awakening which led him to become a reverend for a parish in rural Northamptonshire. Richard’s civil partner David died in December 2019 at the age of 42. A year on Richard talks candidly about his extraordinary life, the madness of grief, and how he is doing now.
We discuss:
The madness and commonality of grief
Being a radical reverend
Princess Diana and the enormity of that grief
The language of death
Real connection rather than social media
The solace of lockdown
Death at Christmas
Letting go of someone’s possessions after their death
Podcast references
Book – Grief Works by Julia Samuel
Bronski Beat – Smalltown Boy
Funeral song – Liber Tango by Astor Piazzolla
Widowed and Young charity
Links
https://www.richardcoles.com/
https://www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/
This episode contains explicit language and a brief conversation about Richard‘s attempt to take his own life as a teenager.
Listen to it here
Photo by Michael Descharles on Unsplash
I was lying in bed this weekend reflecting on this past year and thinking how extraordinary its been, and for some reason, my mind wandered to the 1999 science fiction film classic 'The Matrix' which depicts a dystopian future in which humanity is unknowingly trapped inside a simulated reality, controlled by a cyber intelligence. Through a series of events, reality falls away to uncover the real 'ugly' nature of the world. As computer programmer Neo played by Keanu Reeves starts to question the truth, he is given a choice by the Matrix rebels to either take the red pill which will reveal his true existence, or to take the blue pill to remain ignorant about the fabricated world he lives in. In some way this year we've all taken the red pill and unlike Neo, we weren't given the choice. The world we knew has dissolved and we have found ourselves making sense of a new normal. Taking part in our own sci-fi movie about a pandemic, hurtling towards a future with much uncertainty. In taking the red pill we were confronted with some uncomfortable truths as well as an invitation to a more connected, compassionate, truthful, and fairer existence. Fittingly it was revealed this year by the directors of ‘The Matrix’ that the film was a metaphor for being Transgender but at the time the world was not ready for this truth. I believe we are now.
Initially, we went inward, living a kind of monk existence, confronted with ourselves, and sitting in this new transient and unknown space. A pause in which to connect to our community, rekindle our love of nature, and find a new appreciation of the simple things in life like walking, baking bread, or singing to bring us joy, relief, and comfort. In Stopping we thought less about 'doing' and more about 'being'.
Those from lower socio-economic and black and minority ethnic groups were faced with having to go out and work on the frontline in low-paid jobs being exposed to Covid – 19 and then coming home to their families, many of whom live in multiple generational households. As news emerged of the countless deaths in these groups, people started to question why this was happening? Inequality in our society was being highlighted by the deaths in these vulnerable and unprotected groups and showing that the systems in place did not benefit everyone. By the time George Floyd was murdered, the streets erupted with anger about the injustices faced by black people and other minority ethnic groups. The red pill was breaking down the façade that we live in a fair world where everyone has the same opportunities and revealed the ugly truth of systemic racism, and socio, economic disparities in our society. These disparities and racism are heavily ingrained in the frameworks of education, business, healthcare, the arts, basically everywhere. In particular, the Black Lives Matter movement shone a light on some of these imbalances making us aware of our unconscious biases and changes we need to make, so that life is fairer for everyone and not just an elite few.
This year the pandemic has also laid bare our inadequacy to plan, talk about, and cope with death. It has reminded us of the medicalisation of death with doctors and nurses at the forefront of providing end of life care and support in a way that they might not have been trained or prepared for. Doctors, nurses, and hospital staff had become a replacement for the families who did not have the choice to sit at the bedside of their loved ones. These Families have had to deal with isolation in their grieving and find new ways to remotely honour their dead and say goodbye. Many of them would have never known what their loved one's wishes might have been at the end of life or for their funeral. If these conversations had of taken place it might have offered some comfort by facilitating one or more of those funeral wishes (if permitted) during Covid-19. If there is learning from this it is that we need to plan for our end-of-life care and funerals, complete our wills and organise any other financial, domestic, and healthcare paperwork. Being equipped practically and emotionally to navigate death and dying can empower ourselves, health professionals, and communities to support each other fully during death and in its aftermath.
Facing our mortality and those we love has meant that we are finally realising that death is ever-present in our lives and that everything in life is impermanent. Without the daily frameworks of schools, work, family, or friends around us to keep ourselves busy we are left with the questions of who are we? What gives us joy? And what do we need right now to heal ours and each other's soul, body, and mind? We have found a way to connect through technology to reach each other again and remind ourselves of who and what is good in our lives. But without the limitations of having to travel to another country, for example to a conference, talk, or event, we can now enjoy a different connection to people globally. And there is a sense that we are not alone, that everyone in the world is in this together. Meghan Markle, the Duchess of Sussex wrote in her recent article for the New York Times about the losses we have all faced this year (including her miscarriage in July), death of loved ones, loss of work, financial struggle, political divide, social isolation, and speaking our truths. We are adaptable, capable of transformation and growth to become a better version of ourselves, one who considers others more, our community, and the environment we live in and contribute to. This year we have become more connected through our collected grief and trauma. By sharing our stories and truths we can learn to hold our own and each other's pain and move forward to a place of healing. We have gained insight on how to be more human, navigating the impermanence, unpredictability, ugliness, and beauty in life. After Neo, in 'The Matrix' decides to take the red pill Morpheous says to him “Welcome to the Real World”. I hope that this year in some way has taught us to live with a more truthful, compassionate, open, and vulnerable heart.
Reflecting at this time of year I thought of the Manifesto of the Brave and Brokenhearted from the power house Brene Brown reminding us of how adversity and heartbreak can lead to compassion and strength. We grow from our failure, shame and struggles. “We are the authors of our own lives, we write our own daring endings”.
This is a great article published on The Order of The Good Death website by author and comedian Robert Wringham about how minimalism is tied to death acceptance and that accumulating more stuff is living as if you are not going to die. By reducing how much ‘stuff’ we have in our life we can think about what really matters, spending time with those we love and creating memories that will live on in the hearts of those we love and leave behind.
Image source Philip Berndt
Michele is a Psychic, astrologer, broadcaster and a Sunday Times best selling author. Previously she was the resident astrologer for the UK’s ‘This Morning’ primetime morning TV and ‘The X factor Xtra' and has had a constant presence in the media over the last 20 years. She is a hugely successful business woman who has built an incredible presence in the wellbeing industry, empowering people to be their authentic self and transform their lives. Encountering sexual abuse and neglect at a young age, she used her own self belief, ancient learning and spiritual path to heal herself and create the life that she wanted, with gratitude and love.
In this episode we talk about:
- Finding our soul purpose
- The mystery of death
- Harnessing our own power and changing our self beliefs
- Manifesting what we want by looking at our thoughts and energy
- How we are all connected
- The law of attraction
- Grabbing ideas when they come
- Astrology as a soul map
- Tuning into our intuition
Episode References
Elizabeth Gilbert’s book ‘Big Magic’
Nick Cave ‘ Red hand files’ No.55
Listen to it here
Sobering article in the ‘New York Times’ about how we need to stop denying that the climate crisis is real. It’s how most people view death; if it’s not happening to them well, they won’t have to think about it. But it will happen to all of us one day just like the climate is changing and our planet will be damaged beyond repair if we don’t start accepting this fact and start acting now. The article written by Jonathan Franzen hits home the importance of thinking about death and the reality of the crisis we find ourselves in. It will become more real if we ignore it or pretend its not happening. Here is an extract from the article below:
‘Finally, overwhelming numbers of human beings, including millions of government-hating Americans, need to accept high taxes and severe curtailment of their familiar life styles without revolting. They must accept the reality of climate change and have faith in the extreme measures taken to combat it. They can’t dismiss news they dislike as fake. They have to set aside nationalism and class and racial resentments. They have to make sacrifices for distant threatened nations and distant future generations. They have to be permanently terrified by hotter summers and more frequent natural disasters, rather than just getting used to them. Every day, instead of thinking about breakfast, they have to think about death’.
Read the full article here
I read Julie Yip - Williams book earlier this year and I have never read something so pure, authentic and candid as her account of her terminal diagnosis from cancer. Her memoir started life as a blog, intimately sharing her experiences of her illness with the intention of leaving a legacy behind for her two young daughters Mia and Isabelle. Confronting death honestly sometimes with anger, tears and with humour. This is a book that will stay with you and make you question what it means to be human and how we might find truth, beauty and love in the darkest moments.
Julie’s extraordinary life started in Vietnam, born partially blind. As her story unfolds we discover her dramatic start in life, her will to live, love and to beat all the odds to become a successful lawyer. To create a family of her own only to find out she has stage 4 cancer in her late 30’s. This book is raw, beautiful and heartbreakingly sad. From her wise account of how she navigates through her emotions as a young mother with a terminal illness the reader is left with a sense of the incredible person Julie was. Never fully accepting that she was dying but finding a sense of peace at the end, living fully until then. In her own words..
“When everything is said and done, I ask that all who read and will read this blog and all who know me judge the worthiness and value of my life, whether it was good or bad, based not on the number of days I was on this earth, but rather by how I chose to live and by all that I achieved and produced in my relatively short life. When prompted in a speech class in high school to speak about whether I would choose a life of tremendous successes and tremendous failures versus a more even keeled life, I chose the former and what I chose was given to me. Even as I face my mortality at a premature age, I would make that same choice again and again. I have always believed – and cancer has not changed this – that a life worth living is one imbued with both success and failure, joy and sorrow, relief and suffering, but above all, it must be lived with purpose, passion and courage to not wallow in mediocrity or toil in a pointless job or endure a loveless marriage, but to venture forth and explore the unknown world and enrich the mind and soul, to love completely, to laugh, to embrace wholeheartedly all that life has to offer whether it be glorious or horrendous. These are to me the hallmarks of a good life and the criteria by which I wish my life to be judged” Julie Yip-Williams.
If you have not watched the talk I gave at the 10th anniversary Do Lectures in Wales please do. What an incredible weekend of inspirational talks, meeting like minded people doing what they love and finding their way in life. Connection and love was key over this weekend and of sharing our own stories. This is mine.
Photo by Bee Balogun on Unsplash
After watching Bohemian Rhapsody at the weekend it felt right that Rami Malek was awarded the Oscar for best actor for his portrayal of Freddie Mercury in the film. Part of the films magic is that Rami portrays Freddie with enough authenticity that we can grasp Freddie’s drive, nuances and charisma and above all how gifted and talented he was. I have never been a massive fan of Queen’s music but grew up hearing their music and re-enacting the Bohemian Rhapsody music video with my teddies for many hours. Maybe it was this nostalgia that drew me to watching the film. At the end of the film the recreation of Queens spot at Live Aid was mesmerising. Afterwards I felt compelled to watch the recording of the original Live Aid concert from 1985. What made it so incredible and powerful? Queens's performance was the one that stood out and has remained firm in people’s memories of that day.
In the film it was revealed that Freddie, prior to the concert had told the rest of the band, that he had aids and was dying (some claimed he did not formally discover he was HIV positive until 1987 but that he still knew he was ill prior to that date). Was it perhaps the knowledge that this might be one of the last times he would perform to a crowd of this magnitude that he gave such a breathtaking performance? The proximity to death reminds you of your relationship with others and to live more consciously in the present. To understand better what gives a life meaning and purpose. There is something in Freddie's voice, his swagger, his confidence which makes him powerful and authentic, as if he is singing to every individual person in that crowd. Some would argue that Freddie always performed with this vigour but his engagement with the crowd, his abandonment and unrelenting joy was so evident on this occasion that he encapsulated them with his presence. His voice soared above the crowd and it's truly incredible to watch him connecting to his audience.
Given its unspectacular reviews from the critics Bohemian Rhapsody has become an unquestionable favourite with the public grossing nearly £600m in box offices around the globe. A staggering feat considering it was made with a budget of £40m. Perhaps the audience mix of new and old generations were able to get a sense of the extraordinary magic that Freddie Mercury possessed and be in awe of Queen at Live Aid in which the world was their audience. A performance like no other we might see in this lifetime. Of someone singing with a full heart and being most present and open in that moment.
‘Do Death: For a Life Better Lived’ Very excited to announce that my new book will be out 5th September 2019 (UK) and 8th October (US).
I attended an evening on Grief and Sorrow Thursday 15th March 2018. Events like this.....
Read MoreReally looking forward to participating at this tonight at London's Bartholomew's pathology museum. Live one off recording should be fun. Love the Grief cast if you have not listened to it yet you can find it on Itunes.
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